


The Babes in the Wood.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-13
Updated: 2012-07-13
Packaged: 2017-11-09 22:03:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/458940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another of my Torchwood stories I am transferring to here. In this one the Team have some unfortunate experiences in a wood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter one is rated for teen and up. The remainder is probably suitable for everyone although there is some swearing.

It's Friday and we're out Weevil hunting. That is, I am, plus Ianto, Tosh and Gwen. Owen has been left in the Hub because he has a very bad cold and is sneezing, coughing and generally complaining. I thought Ianto needed a change so he's with us. I even let him drive. I've been in a good mood all day. I think it's seeing Owen blowing his nose and wheezing. It's cheered everyone up enormously. The Weevil, at least that's what we think it is, has been spotted in some woods. It's been stealing chickens and presumably eating them. I'm quite partial to chicken myself but I like mine cooked. 

So here we are in the dark, waiting for a Weevil to come by. Luckily it's a warm night and we have food and drink with us. There's something about eating outside in the dark. You're liable to eat a bug without noticing. I've eaten a few bugs in my time. Some were quite large too. Moths are the best because they crumble before you swallow them. Spiders are O.K. if they're small, but if they're big the legs get stuck in your teeth. Flies are crunchy but bad for your health. Other bugs like beetles and roaches are best avoided because you never know where they've been. 

We've split into two groups so we can observe two chicken pens at once. Gwen and Tosh are watching one and Ianto and I another. This seemed like a good idea at first but now I find I'm getting distracted. Ianto can be very distracting. Very distracting indeed. Especially when he bends over. He has a great butt. I can see it even in the dark because tonite there's a lot of moonlight. I'd like to grab Ianto and throw him to the ground and fuck him right here in the wood. Just thinking about it makes me hard. 

Ianto comes back from taking a pee and sits down beside me on the leaf strewn grass. He grins at me. "Boring, isn't it? " he says.

"Wait till something happens" I reply, but I have a feeling that we aren't going to see our friendly neighborhood Weevil tonite.

"I think we should play a game" says Ianto, grinning even more.

"What sort of game?" I want to know.

But he just grins and proceeds to undo his pants. "It's the opposite of what we used to do as kids" he explains "I bet you I can last longer than you". 

"I bet you can't" I say instantly and immediately wish I hadn't. We should be concentrating on what we're doing, not having jerking off competitions.

Ianto pulls out his cock and he's only half hard. He puts his hand around it and begins to rub and I watch it swell and stiffen fully as he moves his hand. I release my own into the night air with a sigh of relief. Ianto looks at it and then looks at his watch. 

"Three, two, one, GO" he shouts and we do. 

I try not to look at Ianto but I can't help it. I stare at him and I'm already leaking over my fingers. I know I'm not going to last. I stop all movement and Ianto stops too.

"No stopping" he says, so we both start up again and right away I feel it. I'm nearly there. I'm going to loose this round. I'm breathless and panting and I feel it coming and I'm tensing and shaking and my cock is jerking and throbbing and then I'm coming and it feels so good I don't care if I've lost Ianto's idiotic game. The sight of me coming sets him off and I watch him come. There's something about being bored and in the dark that brings out the juvenile in us and I suddenly think, suppose the Weevil came along while we were jerking off? We tidy ourselves. Luckily Ianto has a supply of Kleenex. I wipe my cock with a Kleenex and end up with bits of Kleenex stuck on the head. I have to pick them off. This is not my idea of a fun time.

Daylight is hovering on the horizon, however, so there's obviously going to be no Weevil for us tonite. I lean back against the tree trunk I'm sitting in front of and shut my eyes. I like to sleep after I've come. It's often the only sleep I get. ............................someone is shaking me. Shaking me hard and shouting my name. I open my eyes and a little kid is kneeling in front of me crying and shouting "JACK! " over and over.

"Stop it" I say "I'm awake". I don't say any more because my voice has changed frighteningly. I sound like a kid. A very young one at that. I look down at myself and I'm buried in some huge clothes that would fit a giant. 

"We've shrunk" says the kid, who I realize is obviously a very little Ianto. He is swamped in Ianto's clothes but he looks strikingly familiar. 

I stand up. It's difficult because of the clothing. Ianto stands up too and we stare at each other. I notice to my dismay that he is taller than I am. He starts to laugh. I laugh too because he looks so weird in the adult sized Ianto's garments. I realize I must look just as odd. 

"What are we going to do?" he asks "I still feel like me but I'm a midget."

"I still feel like me too" I say.

"Did we touch something last night?" He looks worried.

"Not that I can remember."

"We have to find Tosh and Gwen."

"I can't walk about in these clothes." 

"Take off everything except your shirt" he suggests " it's so big it'll come down to your ankles easily."

We sit down again and for the next several moments we are occupied with removing everything except our oversized shirts. I stand up again, holding up the shirt so I wont trip over it. Ianto starts to laugh again. He's tall enough to not have to hold up his shirt. It just reaches his ankles. I can't understand why he's bigger than I am. 

"Let's go and find Gwen and Tosh" Ianto suggests and starts to walk away immediately. He seems to have assumed command, I realize with some irritation.

"I'm still in Command here" I say, hurrying to catch him up. Just as I reach him I trip over my shirt and fall flat on my face. It gives me such a shock that I promptly wet myself. I sit up and try to stop peeing but my body ignores me and I'm soon sitting on a very wet shirt. "I'm soaked" I tell Ianto.

"You should have gone before we started out" he says, sounding like my Mother. 

"I didn't need to" I moan.

"You must have done" Ianto sighs "look how wet you are now."

I stand up with difficulty. The wet shirt stinks and clings to me. I feel disgusting and miserable. We start to walk again. It's slow going and very tiring indeed. The wood is huge and the trees are so tall I can't see the tops. We seem to walk for hours and hours and get nowhere. I'm hungry and tired and my feet hurt. Walking bare foot in a wood is no fun when you're very small. At last I can't go any further and I sit down with a thump. Ianto sits down beside me. I look around and all I can see is trees. We left everything behind at the Chicken pen except the huge shirts. We were not behaving sensibly, I realize now it's too late.

"I think we're lost" I tell Ianto.

"Of course we're lost" he snaps "I'm a toddler and you're a baby, what did you expect?"

"I am not a baby" I shout "I'm just small."

"You're a baby" Ianto says firmly. 

Before I can object any more we hear footsteps approaching. The large bushes just ahead of us part and two small girls come plodding through. The taller of the two looks about 5 years old and has dark straight hair. She is a perfect child version of Gwen. The smaller girl is about Ianto's size and is obviously Tosh in miniature. They spot us and Gwen runs to us and flops down on the grass next to us, crying.

"Oh" she sobs "it's happened to you too. We went to sleep and when we woke up we were like this. I can tell it's you. I knew you right away."

"Why is Jack a baby?" asks Tosh.

I object to that. "I'm not a baby" I say "I can walk. Miles too." It felt like miles anyhow.

"Be quiet, Jack" says Ianto "and let us think what to do."

That really pisses me off. I try to fold my arms and sulk but my arms are too short. Besides, I'm terribly tired. My legs are shorter than Ianto's so I must have walked a lot further than him, I think. 

"We phoned Owen and he's coming to get us" Gwen says "we couldn't tell him exactly where we were but he has a good idea. He'll soon be here."

That's all we need, I think crossly, Owen sneezing on us and gloating. Great. I shut my eyes and lean against Gwen's warm body. Despite my smell she puts her arm around me. I'll just have a nap, I muse, a little nap......just a little........I wake up with a jolt to the sound of someone complaining. It's a boys voice. I look up and there is a boy aged about 9 or 10. He looks just like Owen. He's even sneezing like Owen. 

"How am I supposed to drive the SUV like this" he's shouting "I can't reach the peddles. And suppose the Police stop me? How could I explain you lot? A 5 year old, Two 3 year olds and a baby?"

"I AM NOT A BABY!" I shout back. The trouble is, I am.


	2. The team are kidnapped.

Owen decides that we all ought to go to the SUV even if we can't drive it. He's brought food and drink and blankets. It'll be warm and comfortable in there while we think what to do. I'm not happy about going on another walk. My feet hurt and I'm still wet. 

"It's fine for you " I moan "you're all bigger than me. I'm tired and I'm cold."

"Jack wet himself" says Ianto helpfully. Great, I think, now Owen knows I'm incontinent. Fantastic.

Owen groans but to my surprise he bends down and picks me up in his arms. I hang around his neck and off we go. I now notice that Gwen and Tosh look strange. Tosh is wearing what must be her own jacket, only now it drags on the ground as she walks. Gwen has adopted the shirt method that Ianto and I favored. Only Owen looks comparatively normal. He's still wearing his own clothing. It's large but he's folded up the sleeves and legs and is shuffling along in his own overlarge shoes. 

I'm very tired and I lean my head down on Owen's shoulder and close my eyes.....................suddenly I'm not moving any more and I open my eyes. I'm in what must be the SUV except it's now enormous. I sit up and discover I'm wrapped in a blanket and I've lost my wet shirt. As I sit up I experience a strange stab of feeling down below and then I'm peeing again. I expect to be soaked any moment but I'm not. I push off the blanket and find to my horror that I'm wearing a cloth diaper. It's blue and after a moment I realize that it's part of my shirt. I'm alone in the SUV and I'm starting to panic when one of the doors opens and a huge male head leans in.

"What are you doing alone in there?" says the head, and large arms with huge hands at the end reach in and lift me out. I'm held high above the ground and it's quite terrifying but my brain seems to have gone to sleep and I can't seem to even protest about my treatment. 

"Leave him alone" says a familiar voice, and I stare downwards and there's Owen, looking angry.

"You kids shouldn't be out here alone" says the giant "where have your Parents gone?"

"They'll be back soon" says Owen "and then you'll be for it."

"These woods are dangerous" says Giant, calmly " and I don't believe for a moment that your Parents are anywhere near here. Besides, that one's Chinese."

"Japanese" Owen corrects him.

"You'd better come back to my place" says Giant " and I'll phone the Police. They'll send someone. In the meantime, my wife will probably sort you out. Come on." He sets off at a speedy pace and I look back over his shoulder and watch Gwen and Tosh holding hands and trying to keep up with him. Owen hurries beside us. He looks worried. I find I'm just thinking about food and milk. I'd really like some milk. Lovely white milk and a fresh diaper. I'm not thinking straight. I'm not thinking much at all. Oh, hell.

Giant's wife is almost as huge as he is. She's also very wide. Giant hands me over to her like a parcel and I'm whisked off up a huge flight of stairs and the next moment I'm naked and sitting up one end of the biggest bath I've ever seen. Within minutes I'm joined by Gwen, Ianto and Tosh. I never thought the four of us would share a bath. It's seriously weird. Here we are, four adults turned into kids sharing a bath. I try to look for Owen but I can't see over the sides of the bath. Giant's wife informs us that her name is Beth and her husband is called Jim and that she has two sons who are now at school. She talks and talks as she washes the four of us and we silently let her get on with it. We couldn't get a word in if we tried, anyhow. The four of us are resigned to our present fate. We're going to be clean. Being hand washed by a gigantic female is surprisingly frightening. But luckily Beth is quite gentle with us.

After being dried thoroughly we're taken to a huge bedroom and Beth searches through a closet and locates some items of clothing that presumably belonged to her sons. Soon Tosh, Gwen and Ianto look neat in blue shirts and matching pants. She even finds some underpants and shoes and socks for them. I start to wonder why she's kept them if her sons are now big enough to be at school. She sends Tosh, Gwen and Ianto downstairs and I'm left sitting on a huge bed on my own. Beth opens another closet and delves into it. She produces, to my amazement, a box of diapers and some items of very small clothing. I'm really worried now. Why does she have these things? 

I'm bundled into a diaper and dressed up in a garment that looks like a shirt and separate pants but is actually all in one. Embarrassingly, it has bees embroidered all over it and is a pale lilac color. I even have diminutive shoes although I don't think they'd stand up to a long walk in the wood. Beth carries me downstairs and the next moment I'm in a high chair. I am right up above the ground and can actually look down on Tosh, Gwen, Ianto and Owen. Owen is clean and neat in what appears to be a school uniform. This is getting stranger and stranger. Giant, I mean Jim, is going in and out bringing food and plates and stuff in and putting them on the table. I immediately feel more cheerful. At least we're going to be fed. 

Opposite my high chair is a large mirror and I can see myself in it. It gives me a bit of a fright. I have a round baby face with a tiny nose and a mass of untidy dark hair. I can hardly believe it's me. I don't even remember being this young. I must be well under two years of age, I think. Nearer one maybe. It's terrible, but before I can become too distressed Beth comes up to me and gives me a baby bottle. It's full of the most delicious milk I've ever tasted. I'm in heaven as I drink it. It's fantastic. Beautiful. Within moments the bottle is empty. Beth takes it away from me and replaces it with a bowl of something chopped into small pieces. She places a spoon in my hand. I find right away that my coordination is shot. The spoon is awkward to use and is heavy. After a short struggle I abandon it and use my fingers. As I eat I look around the table. The others are all eating. Only Owen looks worried. 

"Have you called the Police yet?" he suddenly asks.

"Don't worry about that" Beth replies "we'll look after you."

"I'll call them myself" Owen states, and he gets up and presumably intends to leave the room, but Jim stops him. He holds Owen firmly.

"Now, now, young man" Jim says "you don't want to do that. D'you want to upset the little ones? Just sit down. It's best for now."

"We'll be reported as missing" Gwen pipes up suddenly, from her position at the table.

"And your parents will go to the Police" Beth responds "and your pictures will be in the news and then we'll see."

Owen reacts quickly to this. He leans over and gives Jim a ferocious bite on his bare forearm. Jim yells and lets Owen go and then Owen is gone like a flash out of the door. Jim swears viciously and goes after him. Gwen, Tosh and Ianto are out of their seats in a second and as one they literally jump on Beth. She's so surprised that she falls to the floor with the three of them on top of her. There is a brief struggle but Beth is no match for three small angry children. She's overweight and unfit and has been taken by surprise. The struggle comes to an abrupt end when Gwen hits her hard over the head with a table lamp. I am pinned in the high chair and can only watch. Not that I could help anyway. I'm too small. Luckily Gwen lifts me out of the high chair. She has a struggle to do it but finally I'm out and standing on my own two feet.

"Let's go before she wakes up" Gwen says, and grabs my hand. We leave the room and then the house and make for the trees. Great, I think, as Gwen pulls me along, we're back in the wood again. We've no sooner entered the trees when Gwen says she has to go back to the house.

"Why?" asks Ianto "she might catch you and you couldn't fight her off on your own."

"We need food. We need nappies for Jack" says Gwen "wait here and don't move."

We have no choice but to sit and wait. Gwen is the oldest of us after all. My brain is not operating with any degree of efficiency anyhow because all I keep thinking is, what's a nappy?

"What'th a nappy?" I ask, after a moment. I have difficulty enunciating the words and it's a real struggle to get them out.

"It's what you call a diaper" says Tosh "are you alright, Jack?"

"Yeth" I answer, thinking, hell, I'm developing a lisp now.

"You look sweet" says Tosh and laughs.

I scowl. I don't want to look sweet. I just want to be me again. I'm tired of being a baby. No wonder they cry so much, I think, they're probably frustrated and bored. Time is also strange. It seems to be passing at a much slower rate than it did when I was an adult. It seems like hours before Gwen returns. She is literally dragging a sack behind her. To my, admittedly distorted eyes the sack looks big enough to hold half a house, stairs included.

"What have you got in there?" asks Ianto as he and Tosh rush to meet Gwen and help her with her burden. I stay where I am. I'm far too small to help and anyhow I don't want to help. I'm fed up.

"Anything I could grab" say Gwen.

"Is she awake yet?" Tosh wants to know.

"No, thank goodness" Gwen replies "now let's go before she does wake up. We can all pull the sack together."

"I'm not pulling a thack" I object vociferously "I'm far too thmall. Why did you bring tho much. It'll hold uth up." I realize as I speak that I'm feeling better. More awake. My brain is in gear again thank goodness. I stretch up to my fullest height and say with as much authority as a baby with a lisp can muster "REMEMBER , I'M IN CHARGE. I MAY BE LITTLE BUT I'M THTILL IN CHARGE! NOW TAKE THOME OF THAT RUBBITH OUT OF THERE AND MAKE IT LIGHTER!"

Amazingly, they rush to obey. I sit and watch them. It's quite rewarding to see them working while I'm doing nothing at all. Of course, I reason, I can't do anything, I'm a baby. Finally the sack is lighter by about a quarter of a house and we go on our way through the wood. The others can now take turns in pulling the sack. I can't pull it because I'm a baby. After about ten hours of walking or probably half an hour, we stop for a rest. I'm exhausted. My feet hurt and my whole body throbs with tiredness. I'm also wet again and smelly as well. I'm disgusted with myself. I wonder if I can change my diaper on my own. While the others are busy I have a go. It's hopeless. My hands are tiny and I have no coordination. None whatsoever. Also, the garment I have on is all in one piece. Before I can complain about the state I'm in however, Owen suddenly appears. He looks hot and is panting but he seems to be unhurt. 

"Owen!" shout Tosh and Gwen in unison. They are actually holding hands. I can't help thinking it's very odd.

"He's dead" says Owen sitting down next to the sack, breathing heavily.

"You killed him?" Ianto gasps "however did you do it?"

"I didn't do it" Owen explains "the Weevil got him. I just heard a scream and a groan. I looked back and the Weevil was dragging him into some bushes. I didn't wait to see what happened next."

"Good" Tosh states with unexpected fervor "serves him right. He was a bastard. Trying to kidnap little children. I hope he died in agony."

Owen sighs "we're lost though" he says "I've no idea at all where we are. We can't just sit around until the Weevil finds us" he leans toward me and sniffs "Jack!" he exclaims "you stink."

"What d'you expect" I moan "I need a clean diaper. I've thit in thith one."

They all gape at me. "Such language" says Owen, grinning " from a baby. Mother will be cross."

"Oh, thut up" I reply " and change thith diaper."


	3. More adventures in the wood .

Well, here we all are tramping through the wood again. Owen is giving a great impersonation of someone who knows what he's doing and where he's going. The rest of us however, know that he hasn't got a clue. Being a baby, I get to be carried. I am so pleased I don't have to do all this pointless walking. Owen and Gwen changed my diaper. That was an experience I don't want to repeat in a hurry. They made me lie down on the grass and then there was a struggle to get me out of this wretched all in one thing covered in bees that I'm wearing. When it was finally off I was so relieved I kicked my legs around and Owen told me to keep still. Then they took off the diaper. You'd have thought they'd never shit in their lives they made so much fuss. They are still pulling the sack of God's knows what around with them and they actually located some baby wipes in it. Watching them hunt through the sack was hilarious. At one point Tosh fell inside it. It did make me laugh. Finally they got around to putting the clean diaper on me. I could tell they didn't know what they were doing. I had to give them instructions. 

We finally stop after a very long walk lasting hours and hours and there is more fishing in the sack to locate food and drink. I just sit down and watch them. It's very funny. In the end they produce two cans of beans and six packets of potato chips. Now they've discovered they have no can opener. They're lamenting this fact when Ianto turns the cans upside down and finds ring pulls. They can't use the ring pulls. At last Owen manages to get them off and cuts his finger in the process. Luckily Ianto has a band aid in his pocket. Ianto is a marvel. The only drink proves to be five cans of diet coke. So we all sit around and eat the beans with our fingers and gulp diet coke. I'm sure babies shouldn't eat beans and drink diet coke. The potato chips make us all thirsty. Why is there so much salt in these things?

After the meal we all sit around and wonder what to do next. I have indigestion. I also have hiccups. Owen seems to find this vastly amusing. They all have weird ideas as to how to stop the hiccups. 

"You have to drop a key down the back of his neck" says Tosh.

Owen sighs and raises his eyes to heaven. "That's for nose bleeds" he says.

"Make him hold his breath for two minutes" is Gwen's suggestion.

"He'd probably turn blue" Owen objects.

Gwen laughs. "That'd stop his hiccups" she says.

I'm not very bothered about the hiccups but I am bothered about the state of my diaper. Thanks to the beans and the coke I am now wet and stinky again. I decide the truth has to come out.

"I need to be changed again" I inform them all " I thtink."

Owen groans and flops full length on to the grass making moaning noises. Personally I think this is overacting.

"I can't do it mythelf" I explain "can I?"

"It's not cold" Owen says at last "you can just go naked from now on."

"He might fall in some nettles or something" Ianto points out in my defense. 

"I don't care" Owen snaps "I'm not changing another nappy as long as I live. One was enough."

Ianto and Tosh decide they'll sort me out. So I have to do the lying down bit all over again to allow them to remove my bees. Tosh very bravely removes the diaper. They then gaze at my butt with equal expressions of horror. Ianto cleans me rather gingerly with a succession of wipes. Tosh just holds her nose. They put the diaper on backward and have to remove it strait away. As soon as it's off I pee. It's amazing. It shoots up in the air like a fountain. I have a feeling it's probably almost pure diet coke. I can tell Ianto at least is impressed with the distance I can achieve. Finally I'm clean and dressed again and miraculously my hiccups have gone. I'm so pleased to be clean I feel like singing. I content myself with just rolling about on the grass. It's surprisingly enjoyable.

"What are you doing, Jack?" asks Gwen watching me roll around with a puzzled expression on her face.

I sometimes think Gwen is a bit slow. "I'm rolling" I tell her. 

"Why?" she asks.

"Haven't you ever rolled?" I want to know. She just sighs heavily. 

"We have to get going" Owen informs us "come on you lot." He picks me up off the grass and sets off at his usual fast pace. I look back over his shoulder and see the others following. Gwen and Tosh are pulling the sack. I can't help wondering what Owen hopes to achieve by all this rushing about. I think it just gives him a feeling of power. We have another long hike and would probably be walking still except Owen suddenly stops for no apparent reason and puts me down. 

"What....?"Gwen starts to say.

Owen interrupts her. "Can't you hear it?" he asks.

We do hear it then. A loud rustling sound growing closer and closer. Owen snatches a fallen tree branch off the ground and holds it like a baseball bat. I sit down on the grass. I'm very tired. All this walking is very bad for a baby. Beans aren't too good either. The bushes just ahead of us part and through them emerges our friendly neighborhood chicken eating Weevil. He's even holding a chicken. He stops and growls at us, baring his teeth. Owen runs at him and swings the baseball bat. I mean the tree branch. He is surprised and totters slightly. The next moment he is literally ambushed by a 9 year old, a 5 year old, two 3 year olds and a baby. It is obvious that nothing in his Weevil life has prepared him for being hit and bitten by a bunch of little kids. When we pause in our attack, {mainly due to exhaustion}, he staggers to his feet, drops his chicken and runs away. 

"Great" shouts Owen, picking up the chicken "I love chicken!"

"It's covered in feathers" says Tosh "we'll have to pluck it. We'll have to start a fire. We'll have to cook it. We'll have to remove all its innards."

Owen utters a heavy sigh. "Some people have to point out the draw backs to everything" he moans "I can pluck a chicken and remove its bits. We can eat those too."

Gwen and Ianto make identical gagging noises. Then Ianto delves into one of his pockets and brings out a box of matches. "This'll be a start" he says "we can light a fire."

I decide it's time I exerted some authority again. I pull myself up to my full height and fix Owen, or at least his legs, with what I hope is a steely stare. 

"Ianto can thtart a fire" I order "after Tothh and Gwen get thome thtickth for it. Owen can do the plucking and the retht." 

"What are you going to do?" asks Tosh. She is the smallest besides me. I can actually look her in the eye if I look up.

"I'm going to thleep" I tell her " you can wake me up when the chicken'th done."


	4. The team find the SUV.

I wake up to the smell of chicken. I'm also wet, which means I have to beg someone to change me YET AGAIN. I sit up and to my surprise it's dark and the others are sitting around quite a good looking fire eating chicken with their fingers. I have no idea how they prepared and cooked it, but they seem to be enjoying eating it anyhow so it can't be too bad. I stand up and go over to Owen who is chewing on what appears to be a slightly singed chicken leg.

"Where'th mine?" I ask him.

"Don't worry" he sighs "we haven't eaten it all."

"Not yet" says Gwen through a mouthful of chicken. 

Owen lifts a large rolled up leaf off the ground in front of him and unrolls it to reveal a chicken wing. He hands it to me. I sit down and take the wing off him. Immediately there's a problem. I seem to be rather short of teeth. I once had 32. I don't know how many I have now but it's certainly a lot less than 32. The teeth I have got are extremely small too. I can't seem to gnaw the chicken wing properly. It's maddening how useless I have become. 

"I can't bite thith" I inform Owen "can't you cut it up a bit?"

"What with?" Owen moans " Gwen didn't steal a knife."

"I was in hurry" Gwen snaps on hearing this criticism "I had to grab what I could."

"I'll bite bits off for you" says Tosh helpfully "give me the wing."

I hand her the precious wing rather reluctantly. "Don't eat it" I say "I'm hungry and I'm wet again."

Owen and Gwen groan loudly in unison. "You can't be!" Owen exclaims.

"I am" I complain, watching Tosh carefully in case she swallows some chicken wing by mistake "I can't help it, I'm a baby." Tosh hands me some chewed pieces of chicken. They look somewhat unappetizing because they've been in her mouth and partly eaten already, but I eat them anyhow. I'm very hungry and thirsty as well as miserable and wet. Now I know why babies cry so much. Being a baby is hell. For drink they give me more diet coke. I know it's all they've got but it makes me mad. "I want thome milk" I shout unreasonably at them "I want thome milk. Give me thome milk." I know they haven't got any milk and I know I'm being awful but I can't help it. Babies just shouldn't drink coke. They just shouldn't.

"Where can we get milk from?" asks Tosh, looking worried "I'd like some as well. This coke is giving me heart burn."

Owen growls out "you can't have heart burn. You're too young!"

"It feels like heart burn" Tosh insists.

"YOU CAN'T HAVE HEARTBURN!" shouts Owen. I think being a kid is starting to get on his nerves. He's certainly getting on mine.

"Milk" Ianto intones solemnly "comes from cows. We need a cow."

"Oh yes" Owen shouts " there's lots of cows around here. I've seen dozens of the damn things just wandering about waiting for us to milk them. Anyway, have you ever milked a cow, Ianto? Because I haven't."

"Yes, I have actually" Ianto replies calmly "and I think we should get some rest now and in the morning we must do some serious thinking about the situation we're in. We have to get back to the Hub. We might be able to do something useful there. We need to go back to the SUV."

"WE DON'T KNOW WHERE IT IS!" shouts Owen, going red in the face with rage "I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND IT!"

Tosh bursts into tears at this. Gwen puts an arm around her. They both glare at Owen. "SHOUTING WONT HELP!" shouts Gwen.

"WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING THEN?" Owen shouts back.

"BECAUSE YOU ARE!" Gwen yells at the top of her voice.

"Shut up both of you" Ianto complains "you're upsetting Jack." To be truthful, they aren't upsetting me at all. The reason I've started to cry has absolutely nothing to do with them. I'm just sick of this diaper I'm wearing. Ianto is fast becoming, after me of course, the only one of us who retains any common sense. I stand right in front of him and start to struggle with my wretched all in one bee garment. He takes pity on me and helps me to get out of it. What a business that is. I don't know how people manage these things for months on end. It must be terrible. Finally, I lie down, helpful as always, and Ianto removes the diaper. It is heavenly to be free of it. Ianto puts on the clean diaper with some skill. He looks worried though.

"What'th wrong?" I ask him "have I got diaper rathh?"

"No" he replies quite seriously " there's only one nappy left in the sack."

This is bad news. This is awful news, in fact. ONLY ONE DIAPER LEFT! It's a tragedy of epic proportions. How can I manage with only one left. I sit down on the grass feeling unutterably depressed. This is terrible. I go to sleep and have a hideous dream. I'm being attacked by hoards of diapers. They have arms and legs and chase me. They're all wet too and as they run after me wet splashes off them and goes everywhere. When I wake up, screaming my head off, I find it's raining heavily. I'm soaked through and yes, my diaper is wet and smelly again as well. Such is life.

After Ianto has changed me and cleaned me up we have breakfast. More diet coke and more potato chips. We are really enjoying a varied diet. The potato chips make us thirsty and there is only one can of coke left. Owen says we have to ration it. He holds it out of reach of the rest of us but, before he can hide it, Gwen, Tosh and Ianto literally jump on him, wrestle him to the ground, and take it off him. They then drink the lot in moments, after letting me have a sip which gives me hiccups. I'm still thirsty too. 

"You shouldn't give him any more to drink" Owen moans "because we haven't any more nappies. What'll you do when he wets this one. He keeps wetting them."

"It'th not my fault" I snap back at him "it jutht cometh out. You try being a baby for a while and thee how you like it!"

"Stop arguing" Gwen moans "I'm fed up with you all behaving like a bunch of kids."

"WE ARE A BUNCH OF KIDS!" Owen shouts. It's true, I think, we are a bunch of kids, and we're getting more kid like each hour that passes. 

"We have to get to the Hub" I tell them "before we forget everything and turn into real kidth."

So we set off in the rain in another attempt to find the SUV. I, for one, had no idea that we were even looking for it. I notice as Owen lugs me about that he smells rather bad. He really needs a shower and clean clothing, I think. After some hours the rain ceases and then, as if by magic, we push through a clump of short thick trees and there in front of us is the SUV. Now all we have to do is drive the damn thing.


	5. The team find they are trapped in the wood.

We have found the SUV. I'm sure it was just by luck, but Owen is now telling us that he had a feeling we would find it where we did. They are now all hovering about the steering wheel and talking about how to drive the thing away. I can tell they don't have a clue. I have gotten comfortable on one of the rear seats and, wonder of wonders, there on the floor is a bottle of water. 

"Owen!" I shout. His head immediately appears. He looks irritated.

"What is it?" he moans " can't you see I'm busy?"

"I've found thome water!" I cry happily.

"Well drink some then, I'm busy" he replies.

"It'th too heavy" I explain.

"OH, BUGGER, BUGGER, BUGGER!" Owen yells rudely. He comes around to me and picks up the bottle. I can tell even he is finding it heavy. He sits down beside me and tries to remove the cap. He can't. He struggles and swears and goes red in the face and suddenly the cap comes off and Owen falls backward, getting covered in luke warm water in the process. He gets up quickly and there's more swearing. Then he has to hold the bottle so I can drink from it. It's very difficult to coordinate this and both Owen and I get wet. I don't really mind because I'm very hot and bothered and thirsty, and I'm willing to put up with almost anything to get a drink. When I've had a drink, Owen has one, and then, of course, everyone else has to have one too. Then they all go back to discussing how to drive. 

After a lot of arguing, some of which I obviously miss because I fall asleep, they seem to come to a decision. They will all drive. Owen is going to steer, Gwen and Tosh will work the pedals and Ianto will do anything else that needs to be done. It all sounds extremely dangerous to me. They get into the positions they have decided on and start the engine. It coughs into life and then proceeds to make hideous groaning and screeching noises. It sounds in agony, but amazingly it moves. We jerk forward in a series of fits and starts accompanied by everyone shouting and moaning at everyone else. Even Ianto seems a bit upset. I have no choice but to sit in the back and endure. The jerking makes me feel ill and I keep falling off the seat onto the floor. The second time I fall off the seat I throw up all over the floor, very cleverly managing to avoid throwing up on myself. 

We jolt along and the shouting and complaining dies down a bit. Most of it is caused by Owen resting his feet on Gwen's back. He is supposed to keep them out of the way but he keeps putting them down. We are still in the wood though. We're going to be here forever, I think. The SUV is travelling at around 5mph, which isn't exactly fast. Owen wants to go faster but the others are not cooperating. We travel along through the wood for ages and ages and we never leave the place. We can't leave. The something that changed us into kids is preventing us from leaving the wood. Finally, this obvious fact sinks into the heads of my team and the SUV jerks to a halt.

"I think we're going round in circles" says Owen.

"How can you tell?" asks Gwen "everywhere we go it looks just the same!"

"We're going to be here forever" moans Tosh.

"We just have to stop going round in circles" Owen says crossly "it's your fault. I'm steering straight."

"We're cursed" Tosh cries, her eyes filling with tears.

"Don't be such a drip" Owen complains.

"Shut up, Owen" Gwen defends Tosh "you really are a bore."

"We're not properly coordinated" Ianto points out "that's the problem."

I decide it's time I said something about the situation. "I'm wet again" I inform my team "I need to be changed." There is universal groaning and moaning at this news. "I want thome milk too" I continue "and I can thee a cow, tho Ianto can milk it." It's true. There, standing grazing right by the SUV is a large and docile looking brown cow.

"This is ridiculous" snaps Owen "we must be dreaming. Why should there be a cow here?"

"It'th probably lotht" I tell him "like uth."

Ianto however, is already out of the SUV equipped with a bucket and a box. I wonder where he got the bucket from. He kneels on the box and soon the sound of milk is heard squirting into the bucket. We all stand around him and watch. When he's finished, Owen helps him pour some milk into a mug. Then at last, I get a decent drink. I wonder too where the mug came from. Did we carry all these things from the Hub? 

After everyone's had some milk, even Owen, we sit around and try to discuss our predicament. Gwen and Ianto remove my bees and diaper and I'm left naked except for my diminutive shoes. I'm not too bothered as it's a warm day. 

"We have to try to remember exactly what we were doing just before we changed into children" says Ianto. 

"We were thleeping" I say "we woke up and we were thmall."

"That's what happened to us too" says Gwen.

"It didn't happen to me that way" Owen sighs "I stopped to look where I was and...well ...I was ...."

"What?" ask Tosh and Gwen together.

It's unusual to see Owen embarrassed. "If you must know" he says at last "I was jerking off."

Light suddenly begins to dawn in my mind. "Ianto and I did that too" I inform them all "then we went to thleep afterward." I am instantly aware that both Gwen and Tosh are turning a beautiful shade of red. "Ith that what you did?" I ask them. Gwen nods. Tosh just looks at the grass. 

"All we have to do then" Owen tell us quite seriously " is do it again."

"In case you haven't noticed" Ianto mutters "we're children now."

"I could do it when I was a kid" Owen says, looking rather smug. 

"I'm not doing anything like that" Gwen states, looking as if she'd like to give Owen a punch "we'll have to think of something else. Besides, JACK IS A BABY!"

The baby in question has already lost interest in the conversation and is climbing into the SUV in search of food. Avoiding the vomit in the back I discover a container full of neatly packed sandwiches. I struggle out of the vehicle with it. It nearly kills me. 

"Thandwicheth" I tell my team "I've found thandwicheth."

Gwen marches up to Owen and actually slaps his face hard. "YOU HAVE SANDWICHES!" she shouts at him "YOU PIG! YOU BLOODY BASTARD!"

"I forgot about them" Owen cries and he actually has tears in his eyes too "I changed into a kid and I forgot about them."

"Children shouldn't swear" says Tosh solemnly. 

"Oh stop being such a prig" Gwen moans.

"THUT UP!" I shout at them "I'M A NAKED BABY AND ALL YOU CAN DO ITH ARGUE AND THWEAR. I'VE THROWN UP IN THE TH U V TOO. YOU'RE UTHELESS THE LOT OF YOU."

They all stare at me as if I've suddenly grown two heads or something. I sit down next to the container of sandwiches and pull one out. It is a bit soggy but this is better for my diminutive teeth and mouth. Within moments the others are all eating too. When I'm full I lie down and close my eyes. I can hear the others talking. They don't know what to do next. I fall asleep to the murmuring sound of their voices. When I wake up some time later I notice something right away. I can see the edge of the wood. I can see where the trees thin out. I don't know why we didn't notice before. I get up and shout out "Wake up, I can thee the edge of the wood. We're nearly out!" The others are as amazed and puzzled as I am. 

"It's like we're under a spell" Owen says at last, as we all get into the SUV. That's it, I think, we're under a spell. Something alien has infected us. I just hope we can find out what it is back at the Hub. If we ever get there. We can see the end of the wood now but can we actually leave?


	6. The team attempt to leave the wood and have some trouble with cows.

We are still in the wood. We can't get the SUV to move. Owen says there is a spark plug, or something, missing. I don't know very much about 21st Century Vehicles and I don't think Owen does either. At the moment Owen is in the engine. At least, most of him is. I can see his feet sticking out. Gwen and Tosh have completely lost interest in the SUV and Owen, and have spent the last half hour fiddling with each others hair. Ianto is gathering sticks to light a fire. As for me, well, I took off my shoes, all by myself, and then I discovered that I could suck my own feet. This is remarkable. I can also, if I lie down, put my legs behind my head. This is great fun and if it weren't for the cows I could enjoy it even more.

Five minutes after we found the SUV was broken down a herd of cows surrounded us. Whereas this is useful for milking purposes it is causing us some problems. The cows seem to be very interested in Owen. I've no idea why. Anyhow, while he fiddles with the engine he has at least six cows gathered about him watching his antics. He has sworn at them but it was no good. They didn't move. They are also very noisy. I've found though that I can stand underneath a cow and suck milk straight from its teats. It makes me pee but I keep doing that anyway. At least I'm no longer thirsty. The weather is still quite warm and I am starting to enjoy being a naked baby. I hope this doesn't mean I am regressing or something. 

"I've got the fire going" says Ianto suddenly " I'm going to go and look for food. Is anyone coming?"

"I'll come with you" I offer generously.

Ianto sighs. "You're too little" he says.

"I can look for food" I moan "I can look for food ath well ath you can."

Ianto relents and lets me accompany him. Five minutes later we find a large patch of mushrooms growing under a tree. 

"They might be toadthtools" I say, looking nervously at them.

"No" says Ianto with conviction " I know how to tell the difference. These are mushrooms. We can eat these."

Back at the SUV, which admittedly we didn't stray too far from, we find Owen, Gwen and Tosh all on their hands and knees crawling about on the grass. I join them right away although I've no idea at all what they're doing it for. Every now and then I roll over as well because it's fun.

"What are you doing?" Ianto asks, standing with his hands on his hips looking at them all with irritation.

Owen glares up at him. "Looking for the spark plug" he snaps "what's Jack doing?"

"I"m looking for the thpark plug" I reply. I'm not really. I'm just playing. I'm having fun until I roll in something soggy and stinky. There's a lot of it all around the SUV and I think Tosh has fallen in some as well, because her clothing is no longer blue but brown.

"YOU'VE ROLLED IN A COW PAT!" shouts Owen, who is hardly in pristine condition himself, since he's covered in oil.

"It'th cow thhit" I say, thinking, why call it a pat? At that moment Gwen accidentally puts both hands in another one. It really is funny. I sit in my own heap of cow dung and laugh. 

Owen is disgusted. He stands up and picks his way gingerly to the SUV. He can't get inside because all the doors are blocked by cows. Ianto starts to laugh as well then, followed by Gwen and Tosh. Owen tries to push a cow aside so he can get in the SUV and as he does so another cow pisses on him. He stands dripping for a moment looking as if he is about to burst into tears. Then he starts to laugh. Our collective laughter is obviously too much for the cows, who promptly move away and disappear through the trees back into the depths of the wood, mooing loudly all the way. As we watch them go I struggle out of the cow pat I'm sitting in and tread on something hard. I pick it up and Owen seizes it with a shout of joy. He actually kisses my head he's so pleased with me.

"You've found it" he exclaims "we can move now. We can go back to the Hub and I can have a bath."

"We all need a bath" says Gwen "especially Jack."

"There are no bathth in the Hub" I tell them "we'll all have to have thhowerth."

"Let's go" says Owen, " before something else weird happens."

Ianto has already fetched two towels from the SUV. "We can clean up a bit with these" he informs us all.

"Jack first" Owen says firmly "he stinks worse than any of us."

"He sat in a cow pat" Gwen remarks "I only put my hands in one."

"I rolled in it" I protest "it wath in my way."

"You are the dirtiest baby I've ever seen" says Owen as he takes one of the towels from Ianto " but you did find the spark plug for us. Let me rub you."

Under the circumstances I have no choice but to obey. To tell the truth, I'm not really bothered about being covered in cow shit. My own though really upsets me. Owen tries to clean me up with the towel. It's not easy without using water but he does his best. The others share the second towel. Ianto is, miraculously, almost clean. After Owen has rubbed himself with the smelly towel he's used on me we all get in the SUV. Of course, we have to have the ventilation full on, and everything that opens open, because of the smell. Ianto starts the engine. It roars into life and off we go. We move slowly forward. WE LEAVE THE WOOD. WE ARE FREE AT LAST. NOW FOR THE HUB


	7. Back in the Hub.

Well, we finally reached the Hub and here we are. We didn't get stopped by the police, which was a miracle in itself. However we are still kids, and I am still a baby. The Hub is huge and only Owen can reach anything. The rest of us have to climb on chairs. I can't even climb on a chair without a great struggle. As soon as we got here we went to clean up but only Owen could actually turn on the showers. We all got in one shower en masse and Owen adjusted the temperature and force of the water etc. He also washed me. This was not an experience I am eager to repeat. Tosh ordered some clothing for us on the phone or on a PC or somehow and we sat around in towels until it arrived by courier. She also ordered food and drink and various baby items including diapers. I never thought I'd be glad to see a diaper. 

After we'd eaten three pizzas between us and drunk four cartons of milk we were faced with another problem, namely, where to sleep. Obviously Ianto, Gwen, Tosh and Owen can't go home. I'm already at home so it doesn't make any difference to me but the others don't know what to do. In the end we all go down to my quarters and I have to share my bed with the four of them. Even though we're not very big it is a squash. Gwen and Tosh have their heads at the foot end of the bed and the rest of us are up the other way. I have Owen on one side of me and Ianto on the other. It's seriously weird. Owen snores. Ianto makes snuffling noises and Tosh squeaks. It's like sharing a bed with a herd of wild animals. Gwen talks in her sleep. It's rubbish too. At one point I wake up and she's muttering -yes, I'll do it soon, I will. It drives me nearly mad wondering what she was going to do. I think it's the pizzas. My portion was cut up very small by Gwen and Owen. I ate it sitting on the floor. It gave me indigestion. I'm sure now that babies shouldn't eat pizza with mushrooms and tomatoes and onions on the top.

When I wake up I'm wet and smelly as usual. I climb over Owen and fall out of the bed. They are all still asleep which is irritating now I'm awake. I stand by the bed and shout as loud as I can "WAKE UP, WAKE UP, IT'TH MORNING!" This works like a dream. They all wake up and there's a lot of moaning and complaining. Of course, someone has wet the bed. Or maybe more than one person. It's very wet anyhow.

"Who wet this bed?" Owen wants to know, glaring at everyone in turn.

"Jack" says Gwen "he's the baby."

"I'm wearing a diaper" I tell them haughtily.

"The whole bed is wet" Ianto points out. Logical Ianto. He knows it could have been anyone, even Owen himself. 

"Who's wettest?" asks Owen.

"Who cares" Gwen complains, "let's just clean up."

"Well it wasn't me" Owen says, determined to have the last word as usual.

"THTOP MOANING AND CHANGE ME!" I shout.

"We'll all get in the shower again" Ianto says "Jack as well. Come here Jack, and let me take off that nappy." 

The item in question is disgusting but Ianto is very brave, or perhaps he just has less of a sense of smell than the others. We all crowd in the shower again and Owen fiddles with the controls. He isn't too good at this and we're either being boiled alive or frozen to death. There's lots of shouting and complaining and screaming while we shower. I am nearly knocked unconscious by the force of the water. I decide that there's a lot to be said for just being stinky. Being dried by Owen is not very pleasant either. He's inclined to be rough. He keeps giving me instructions too which is very irritating. 

"Just hold your foot up-not that one-the other one-don't moan I have to dry there it's dripping- don't piss on me while I'm drying you- Keep your head still-no I didn't poke you in the eye- not on purpose anyway-if you kept still we wouldn't have these problems-I do have to dry there-well you do it then-see -I knew you couldn't- well don't moan when I do it then-I do need to dry your behind-because it's wet- don't do that- just don't-I have to dry there-if you kept still it would be better- babies have no right to be ticklish-I'm not doing it on purpose-there-your done-phew."

Finally we all have a mass fitting session as we try on the clothing that arrived yesterday by courier. Owen is happy with jeans and a green jacket that doesn't suit him at all. He is wearing it over a blue and purple striped T. It looks terrible. Gwen and Tosh, for some reason, look like twins in identical short grey skirts, and lilac colored tops. Ianto is wearing a suit. I didn't know you could get them that small. Perhaps it was intended for a wedding or something. It's cream colored. He even has a tie. I am stuck with another garment that looks like a separate top and bottom but is actually all in one. It's blue and has balloons all over it. It's quite sickening. I also, for some weird reason, have boots. They are pale blue and made out of a very soft leather and have laces. Laces for a baby! Idiotic!

Ianto and Gwen prepare breakfast which is just corn flakes. I have milk in a bottle. I sit on the floor and suck it while they sit at the table. Only Owen can eat comfortably at the table as the others are all too small. This results in a lot of spillage. I don't mind as I find I can eat the bits they drop. Ianto clears the dishes and everyone else attempts to work. Everything is just that bit too large and just that bit too difficult to reach without a lot of effort. I am far too small to do anything so I don't even try. I don't know what to do with myself. I find I'm wishing I was back in the Wood. I wander about and get tired and extremely bored. Being a baby can be very boring. In the end I go to my office and climb up on my chair. I can't see the top of my desk when I'm sitting down so I climb on the desk and sit up there instead. Suddenly the phone rings. I answer it, of course. It's actually some high Government Official wanting some Papers and Reports sent over. He goes on and on without waiting for me to speak which is just as well. Finally he pauses and I say quickly "I'll get onto it right away" in the lowest voice I can manage. Then I hang up. Oh, shit! 

I start to climb off the desk and slip and fall. The floor rushes to meet me and I must have passed out for a moment, because the next thing I know I'm actually lying ON OWEN'S LAP and he has his arms around me. I sit up and the others are all gathered around me looking worried. 

"Stay still a moment" says Owen, as I wriggle on his knees "you have a concussion."

"What were you doing up there, Jack?" asks Gwen "you could have broken your neck!"

"I'm O.K." I say "I jutht fell off my dethk."

"Stay still" Owen orders me "there's a huge bump on your head and I'm going to X-Ray you in a moment and then you have to lie down for a while."

"I'm fine" I complain "I jutht have a headache."

After he's ascertained that I haven't got a fractured skull Owen carries me down to my bed and tucks me inside it. Mercifully, someone has changed the sheets. I fall asleep right away, and dream that I'm an adult again. An adult with a bad headache. Unfortunately, when I wake up I'm still a baby. My headache has gone though so I get up and go and find the others. They are, wonder of wonders, working. They are each at their own work stations doing something anyhow. It is strange to see them working. Tosh is so small she is actually sitting on her desk to work. Gwen is sitting on two cushions which keep slipping sideways so she has to keep adjusting her position. Owen is managing O.K. as he is easily the largest of us. I wander around for a bit and then Ianto comes along carrying a tray. On the tray are two cups. He is moving very slowly and carefully. He reaches Owen and hands him a cup. I can't see what's in it. Then he goes to Gwen and gives her one. I watch him hurry off, presumably to get another cup for Tosh. Ianto is fantastic, I think. He is the most capable three year old in the entire world. 

I go and bother Gwen. "Gwen" I say " what are you doing?"

"I'm looking up Weevil sightings in that wood we were in" Gwen tells me "or anything that might have been a Weevil. See, here's one." She reads it out aloud. It's a report about a strange creature stealing a chicken. What a surprise. Our chicken eating Weevil has been at it for some time, evidently.

"They should make their chicken pens Weevil proof" says Tosh.

"Yeth" I mutter "electric fentheth."

"I should think that would be illegal" Gwen comments "by the way Jack, you stink."

This is just what I want to hear. "I wath athleep" I explain "when I'm athleep I pee."

"You never do anything else" Gwen says. I think this is unfair. I'm a baby, what does she expect?

"It'th not my fault" I protest "I'd change mythelf if I could, but I can't. I have to wait until one of you doeth it."

At that moment Owen comes over. "We should go back to that wood" he says "that's where the Weevil is and that's where we changed. We have to return there. This time though we'll take changes of clothes and lots of nappies and plenty of food and drink and milk."

I don't want to return to the wood. I suddenly have a proper temper tantrum. I sit down with a bump and scream at them "I"M NOT GOING BACK! I'M NOT GOING BACK! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO BACK! I HATE THE WOOD! I'M NOT GOING AND WILL THOME BATHTARD PLEATHE CHANGE THITH DIAPER! I'M THICK OF IT!"

Owen actually laughs. "What a temper" he says "of course you'll have to go back with the rest of us. It doesn't matter whether you want to or not. I'll just pick you up and throw you in the SUV. You wont have any choice."

This is true. I know somewhere inside that my behavior is totally stupid and unreasonable but I am a baby after all. What do they expect from me. Logic? It seems that tomorrow we're going back to the wood. Oh great. Fan- bloody -tastic.


	8. Jack becomes a hero.

We are back in the wretched wood and I am seriously miserable about it. At least this time we have plenty of supplies and plenty of diapers. It took us ages to get here because we couldn't risk pausing anywhere or travel on major roads in case we were stopped by the Police. 

We eventually reach the wood and sit down in a circle to, in Owen's words, decide what to do next. Owen gives me a cookie and they all start to talk about what to do if the Weevil turns up. It is obvious that they are clueless. 

"We'll just shoot it" says Gwen.

"We ought to catch it and transport it back to the Hub" Ianto suggests "that's what we usually do."

"I want to shoot it" Gwen persists.

"I'd like to stab it" says Tosh "and if it's got a chicken we could eat it, like we did before."

"I don't want to cook chicken again" Owen snaps, looking cross "we only ate it before because we were hungry. We've got plenty of food this time."

"I'd still like to stab it" Tosh repeats.

"And I still want to shoot it" Gwen moans " why can't we shoot it?"

I decide enough is enough of this stupidity. "I want to go to bed" I say "I'm tired. Where'th my bed going to be?"

"I've brought sleeping bags" Owen informs me.

"I can't thleep in a bag" I say " I'm too little."

"You and Ianto can share" Owen tells us. 

"He thnuffles" I complain "it keepth me awake."

"Jack" Ianto responds "makes funny noises too."

"I don't!" I'm getting mad now.

"Yes you do."

"I don't!"

"You do. You breathe funny and you snore too."

I am horrified at this unwarranted criticism and shout "I DO NOT THNORE! BABIETH DO NOT THNORE!"

"You do snore, Jack" says Owen.

"Yes" agrees Gwen "you do."

I'm sick and tired of this. It's bad enough being a baby without being accused of snoring as well. I stand up and glare at them all. "I'LL THLEEP ON MY OWN THEN" I shout at them "IN THE TH U V. THERE'TH PLENTY OF ROOM ON A THEAT FOR ME BECAUTHE I'M A BABY!"

"You'd probably be better in there anyway" says Owen, seemingly unfazed by my outburst "you'll be safe in there if the Weevil turns up."

So that's that then. I am bedded down in the SUV. I'm quite glad too after a while. It's quiet in the SUV and I soon fall asleep and dream I'm being chased by a Weevil. The dream is particularly frightening, because, unlike my other dreams up till now, I am a baby in this one, not an adult. I'm getting used to being a baby, I suddenly realize. Oh, horrors. I'm getting used to it! I awake suddenly because there is a lot of noise coming from outside the SUV. I sit up and then stand up on the seat and look out of a window and there is the Weevil just outside. He actually has got a chicken in one hand. He's holding Ianto up in the air with the other hand. Ianto is struggling and shouting and trying to kick but it's no good. I climb off the seat as fast as I can but I can't open the door of the SUV to get out. However, one of the windows is partially down to give me some air so I climb out of that and fall to the ground. I land on my butt with a thump but it doesn't hurt as my diaper, which is wet, protects me.

Owen has a gun but he can't get a shot at the Weevil because of Ianto. Gwen and Tosh, who seem to be getting more juvenile by the hour, are not doing anything at all. They're just cowering by a tree. I run up to Owen as fast as I can and grab the gun off him. He's so surprised he lets me take it. I hold the heavy gun in both hands and squeeze the trigger. It is tremendously hard to do but desperation gives me strength. I shoot the Weevil in one knee. He shouts something and drops Ianto and then I shoot him again, pointing the gun upwards. The bullet hits him in the chin and goes straight up through his head and out the top. A mass of blood and what looks like brain tissue flies out of the top of his head and he falls down with a crash. I fall down too. I'm exhausted and shaken and my arms hurt terribly.

"I think you've killed him" says Owen as he bends down by the body. He comes over to me, sits down on the grass and pulls me into a tight hug. He's warm and slightly smelly but I don't care. He doesn't seem to mind me being wet either. I lean against him as my shaking slowly ceases. "That was the bravest thing I've ever seen" Owen continues "Jack, you are a marvel. I take back anything I ever said about you. I was afraid to shoot in case I hit Ianto."

"I knew I wath too thmall to hit him" I manage to say "my armth and handth hurt. I think I've damaged thomething." 

"You've just strained yourself a bit" says Owen "you'll be alright. I'll change your nappy and you can sleep some more."

"You saved my life" Ianto tells me "he took me by surprise. I was asleep."

"You two weren't much use" Owen moans at Gwen and Tosh who are looking at me with worried expressions.

"I woke up when he already had Ianto" Gwen excuses herself.

Tosh is more truthful. "I was scared to death" she says " sorry."

Owen treats me tenderly. He changes my diaper and wraps me in a blanket and puts me to bed again in the SUV. When I'm lying down and feeling drowsy he bends over me and kisses my forehead. "You're the bravest baby in history" he says. I fall asleep thinking of his words and wondering what they're going to do with the body of the Weevil. It's still evening and I'm very tired after my exploits with the Weevil. I can't believe the way Owen is now behaving toward me. Perhaps this kid business is actually doing some good!


	9. Epilogue.

When I wake up it's daylight and I know right away things have changed dramatically. For a start I'm VERY squashed. Secondly I'm naked. I have evidently returned to normal in the night. I'm so relieved. I was getting real tired of being a baby. I wonder if the others are normal too, so I wrap myself in the blanket, which is at the moment around my feet, and go to look. They are. They're all in their sleeping bags and they're all adults again. The Weevil body has gone too. 

"Come on" I shout to my team "rise and shine. It's back to work. So get up."

They all slowly awake. I lean against the SUV and watch them realize they're back to normal. They are all more or less naked except Owen, who looks very strange crushed into his boys clothing. He is obviously thoroughly irritated at the turn of events too. 

"Hell!" Owen shouts as he rushes to the SUV "we could have transformed in the daytime!" He gets out the adult clothing we brought with us in case we did return to normal, and hands it out. We all change into it in silence. It seems odd to be so large after being so tiny. Every part of my body looks huge. It's great to be huge again. I wonder if the others feel the same. I suspect that they do.

"What happened to the Weevil?" I ask when I'm fully clothed and feeling more like myself.

"I sent it back to the Hub" Owen replies "I want to examine it when we get back." He has my wrist band and he hands it back to me. I put it on with a sigh of pleasure. Now I'm definitely normal again.

"Why are we normal now?" Gwen asks "I'd really like to know. Does anyone have any idea what happened?"

"I think it's always going to remain a mystery" I answer "I don't think we'll ever know. Perhaps we touched something inadvertently, or ventured into some strange area in the wood that has ancient powers or something weird like that. I'm not going to worry about it. We're back to normal and that's all that really matters."

"We were turning into REAL children" says Ianto "especially Jack."

"I had more problems than any of you" I complain, trying not to sound as if I'm complaining and not succeeding very well "I was a baby."

"You were a cute baby" says Tosh "I thought so anyway."

"I was sick of it" I moan "it was actually hell and then I started to dream I was a baby. That was worrying."

"I'm glad I'm an adult again" Ianto comments "making coffee when I was three was very difficult. Everything was so huge and heavy."

"I quite enjoyed some of it" says Owen.

"That's because you were the eldest" Gwen tells him.

To my immense surprise Owen actually agrees with her. "Yes" he says "that probably is the reason. I admit it. I like telling people what to do and giving orders and anyone who says they don't is a lier."

Before anyone can continue this conversation I decide to intervene. "Let's go back to the Hub" I say "I don't know about you but I could do with a long hot shower and a proper breakfast. Something hot and greasy and fattening. Like sausages for example."

"Why don't we stop in a pub on the way home" Ianto suggests "we could have a full English breakfast. I know a pub near here that does a great full English."

Everyone agrees that this is a fantastic idea. We all get into the SUV. I look at Ianto and say "You drive, Ianto. You know where this place is." He looks surprised and I wink at him. No-one protests, not even Owen. We set off for the pub in a rare mood of total harmony. It is unusual for all five of us to agree. I find I'm wondering if us being kids actually did us some good. I think it was good for Owen anyhow. I don't think I learned much though. Except perhaps that if you're determined enough you can achieve the seeming impossible. I look out of the window and watch the countryside go by. There is so much beauty still to find if you look for it. I think I might try to look a bit harder in future, and I realize that Ianto is a great driver. I must let him get out more, I think.

It's a lovely day. Warm and sunny with a clear blue sky. When we reach the pub I look at my team and I feel a pleasant buzz of fondness for them all. Sure they have their faults, but they're my team, I think. My own special people. Yes.

 

THE END


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